


So much more than itself

by OlisDrabbles



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Canon Era, Episode: s05e05 The Disir, Fix-It, Fluff, Good Mordred (Merlin), Light Angst, M/M, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 16:41:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28548786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OlisDrabbles/pseuds/OlisDrabbles
Summary: Arthur stared at him for a couple moments, then leaned forward, off the ground, his eyes still piercing into him. “If I do save Mordred, then all my father's work will be for nothing. Magic will reign in Camelot once more.” He said thoughtfully, finally looking away, to stare into the fire instead. Merlin simply could not hold himself back.“Would that be so terrible?” He asked, in barely a whisper, but it was enough for Arthur to look back up at him, brows furrowing and lips forming a frown.orthe fix it fic for that one disir scene that is harder to watch than any other
Relationships: Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 25
Kudos: 235





	So much more than itself

**Author's Note:**

  * For [radievx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/radievx/gifts).



> alright this has actually been done and in my drafts for days but i'm only posting it now for my friends...
> 
> keep in mind a lot of stuff is left ambiguous, so it's definitely up for interpretation. ex. relationships. you can imagine arthur is married to gwen, or you can imagine he's not and something is building between merlin and arthur. up to you. same with the ending, but you'll see what i mean :)

**“ _If_ you wish to _save_ all you hold dear. If you wish to _save_ your kingdom, _embrace_ the old religion. Learn her ways. _Bow_ to _goddess_.”**

**“Consider carefully. You have, until _dawn_.”**

The words kept ringing in Merlin's head as he walked around collecting firewood, expression solemn. His hands were sweating with the stress and anxiety he felt. Because this was it. This moment _right now_ felt like it would decide the future in front of them. Merlin _knew_ it will, and it was terrifying. He's been waiting for this for _10 years_. Hiding, watching, meddling in to help shape it into something beautiful. Nobody ever told him how painful the process would be. How many choices he'd have to make.

After collecting the last bit of wood, Merlin turned around and headed back to their little camp. Arthur was there, resting on the ground, looking conflicted, but thoughtful. “How did you know this place was sacred?” He asked quietly, watching Merlin as he came and lowered the firewood by his feet, kneeling.

“That's obvious.”

“Pretend it isn't.”

Merlin sighed and looked around at the greenery surrounding them, listened to the quiet crinkling of the fire, the faint hoot of an owl in the distance while the rest of the forest slept. It felt so full, yet peaceful at the same time, making his magic thrum happily inside him. “Everything here... is so full of life.” Merlin started softly, admiring the forest. “Every tree, every leaf... every insect.” He smiled, feeling it all, connecting to it. “It's as if... the world is, vibrating. ...As if everything is much more than itself.”

He glanced at Arthur and found him sitting up, watching him with a look he couldn’t quite decipher, but wanted to. “You feel all that?” The man asked, making him smile again, tilt his head. “Don't you?” Merlin replied, staring back at Arthur, following the light of the fire reflecting on his skin as he shook his head no. Gods above... he looked beautiful.

Looking away, Merlin quickly poked the fire with a stick, then stood up, moving to the cloak he set down and settling on top of it. They were both quiet for a few moments, pondering over the day's events. At first glance, to Merlin, it seemed simple. Arthur's destiny _was_ to bring magic back, as long as he stays alive. If Mordred is gone and can't kill him, the destiny would come to pass anyway, right? Magic would be brought back.

But _everything_ , is so much _more_ , than _itself_. Merlin has learned that _nothing_ is as black and white, and he’s learned the hard way.

“What will you do?” He asked, wanting to know about how Arthur was feeling about all this. He was the one that had to make a choice, anyway. Not Merlin.

He watched as Arthur looked up at him, a lack of emotion on his front, but Merlin could see how troubled he was inside. Recalling all the times magic has been used to attack him, to try and hurt or murder him, but then remembering the young innocent boy who he cares about. Almost as if he was his own. “I don’t know.” Arthur spoke, and his voice was so calm and firm, even now. Merlin couldn't help but admire him. “My heart says do anything I can to save Mordred... but I've seen what misery unfettered sorcery brings.”

“Before my father outlawed magic, Camelot was almost destroyed by sorcery. In my _own_ time Morgana has used it for nothing but evil.” He said lamely, setting his jaw and looking aside, then turning to Merlin again, who was struggling to hold himself. Merlin just, stared at him, eyes sad. He _knew_ just how _much_ this was on Arthur. It was the ban of something that has seemingly caused nothing but pain to him and his kingdom, or one of his knights, who has stood loyal to him. Jumped in front of danger for him.

“What would you do? In my place?”

Merlin stared at him, raised his eyebrows slightly. “Me?” He asked, and got only a nod from Arthur, who was staring intently at him. _Wanting_ his council. Merlin shrugged, shaking his head. “I'm just a lackey, maker of beds.” He offered, not really wanting to talk about it, but Arthur wasn't having it. “Lackeys can be wise.” He said, still staring at him expectantly. Merlin swallowed the lump in his throat, his eyes unfocused, heart jumping, and ever so quiet in the dead of the night.

“It's not like you to _be_ silent.” Arthur observed, like the pushy ass he is, easily spotting his hesitation and narrowing those sapphire blue eyes thoughtfully, like he was trying to fathom him out. Read him. “The kingdom's future is at stake.” Merlin replied, feeling his eyes sting slightly as Arthur nodded.

“And a man's life.”

Now, Merlin has always been cautious of Mordred, and rightfully so. It's all he's ever been told to be, but he's been watching him for a very long time, and Merlin knew an enemy once he saw one. He knew concealed hatred, and there was none on that boy's young face. Mordred didn't _want_ Arthur dead, at least not yet. He admired him, looked up to him. Hell, sometimes it felt as if he looked up to Merlin as well.

Did he deserve to die because of a deed he has not yet done, and doesn’t wish to do?

Fate is... a fickle thing. At first glance it might seem inevitable. And once you know what’s been predicted, even more so, but it's _never_ set in stone. It's based on predictions of choices, ones you have not yet made. And killing Mordred for that... it didn’t feel right. Suspicion aside, Merlin didn't hate Mordred. Far from it. He's known him since he was but a little child.

But God, what if he was wrong? What if one day Mordred wants to kill Arthur, for whatever reason, and Merlin misses the only chance to stop him. What then? Merlin cannot, _lose_ Arthur. He _can't_. He simply wouldn't know what to do with himself.

“Merlin.” A voice broke through his thoughts, making him look up. It was Arthur, staring at him, looking disturbed and concerned, and that's when Merlin realised tears have slid down his cheeks. He wiped them away in a quick movement and looked away from Arthur, feeling a bit embarrassed now. “Merlin.” Arthur spoke again, and it sounded as if he was speaking to a wounded animal, as if he was one of his dogs that had gotten injured during a hunt. Merlin couldn't bare listening to it.

“Merlin, look at me.” Arthur said gently. It felt like he had no choice but to do so, so he looked at him. Arthur's expression was so... understanding, full of love, but he didn't understand. Not really. He had no idea. “Speak your mind, Merlin... please.” He whispered, never once taking his eyes off him. Merlin felt ready to explode. What was he supposed to say? He can't tell him about himself. It wouldn't be right, because he knows how much Arthur cares for him, and he cannot do that. Not until he understands first. Not until he realizes what's right, with no bias influencing him. If the ban is to be taken down, it has to be done the _right way_ , so what does he do? Does he tell him everything he knows? Does he listen to his head, or his heart?  
.  
.  
.  
“You can't let Mordred die.” Merlin whispered, and just like that, it felt like he stepped over everything he's ever believed. Like he's turned on himself, but it's what felt _right_. In _every_ way.

Arthur stared at him for a couple moments, then leaned forward, off the ground, his eyes still piercing into him. “If I do save Mordred, then all my father's work will be for nothing. Magic will reign in Camelot once more.” He said thoughtfully, finally looking away, to stare into the fire instead. Merlin simply could not hold himself back.

“Would that be so terrible?” He asked, in barely a whisper, but it was enough for Arthur to look back up at him, brows furrowing and lips forming a frown.

“Merlin-" Arthur started, but Merlin cut him off before he could continue, feeling frustrated and hurt and tired and like he would _burst_ if he didn’t say something.

“How is taking someone’s life with a sword any different from taking a life with magic?” Merlin asked, speaking a bit louder now. He was looking right into Arthur's eyes, needing this to get to him, make him understand. “How is it the magic's fault, that certain people who use it are bad people. Are men and women who want nothing but power or revenge. Arthur, it's not about the _tool_ you use, it's about what's in your _heart_.”

“There are _people_ out there, who use magic to _survive_. To _protect_ themselves, to _grow crops_ , to-to _heal a wound_. There are people who were _born_ with it. Who had no _choice_!” He cried out, his bottom lip shaking slightly as he held in his emotions. Merlin bit down on it and took a deep breath, closing his eyes. He could feel Arthur's stare. He knew he was watching him, silent, but there was no going back now.

“Your father... was wrong. He was, _blinded_ by _hatred_ and _fear_ and _anger_. He saw evil in even the tiniest harmless spell, all because of his own choices, but _Arthur_ , that's just not who you are.” Merlin whispered and looked at his king, shaking his head gently, smiling at him. He just had so much _love_ , for this man. So much. “Do you remember that woman? The one that gave you the horn of Cathbhadh?” Merlin asked, and Arthur only nodded. It was just barely noticeable, but it was there.

“She was a sorceress. An innocent one, and you didn't let her die from the pyre. You didn't, Arthur, and I was _so_ , _proud_.” The smile widened, and so did Arthur's eyes. They were both tearing up now. “Of _you_ , of the man you've become.”

“This law... has been endangering innocent people and creatures for nearly 30 years, Arthur, and I _know_ how much you've been through. Hell, I've been through half of it with you, but it's not _right_. _You_ can make it right. I _know_ you can. You can't sacrifice an innocent boy just to keep a law that _kills_ more innocent people!”

“Merlin.” Arthur cut in quietly, and Merlin immediately stopped talking, chewing on his lip anxiously and wiping away a tear from his eye. He looked away from Arthur to look down at his lap and ignore his hammering heart.

“How long have you felt this way?”

“When have I not?” Merlin let out a sad little laugh and wiped his cheek again, sniffing his runny nose.

“Merlin.”

Glancing up, Merlin looked at Arthur again. He felt his breath get lodged in his throat, because Arthur was _looking_ at him. _Really looking_. It was as if he finally found the hidden entrance to everything Merlin held closer to himself and hid away from the public eye. Like he suddenly understood everything, and Merlin had a feeling that he just might've. He felt so exposed sitting there in front of him, because Arthur could _see_ there was more to this. Merlin _knew_ he could.

“We should get some rest." Arthur broke the silence, though their eyes were still locked.

“But-"

“Merlin.” He said softly, giving him such a gentle look. Trying to comfort him. “Everything will be alright, I promise. Now come closer. It's cold and I don't need us freezing in the night.” Arthur sighed, standing up to put out the fire. Merlin moved to do the same, then picked up his cloak. “It's not that cold.” He commented, because it _wasn't_ , but Arthur, despite being a walking furnace, _always_ felt cold.

“Yeah, well, it is to me. So, for once in your life, shut up and listen to me without complaining."

... “Well, it's a little late for that, isn't it.”

“ _Mer_ lin!”

And so, they took to resting, and Merlin slept soundly, knowing he'd made the right choice. They'll save Mordred and bring the peace they deserve, let magic bloom once more, and Merlin will watch it all right by Arthur's side, where he's always been, and always will be. And maybe, just maybe, Arthur will understand everything Merlin has done for him. Maybe he'll forgive him for hiding it all for 10 years, and Merlin _knows_ , he'll make it all worth it. Because he already has.

**Author's Note:**

> do you think arthur figured out merlin's secret there? or is he only on the right path? up to you B)  
> anyway, i hope you enjoyed this,, kudos and comments are much appreciated :D <3  
> [here's my twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/dqdcliviq)  
> [post that inspired me to write this](https://twitter.com/dqdcliviq/status/1343962861656276992?s=19)  
> 


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